Parents and Children

Do you find yourself screaming at your child just like your mother (or father) screamed at you?

How a parent is going to behave toward a child is going to depend in part upon how that parent was treated as a child. Parent-child interactions, repeated over the course of many years, eventually contribute to the conscious and unconsciously motivated reactions toward one's own children. They account for the loving, nurturing, mean, angry, concerned, distant, comforting aspects of our personality. It is often only after the birth of a child that parents become aware that they are repeating behavior similar to their parents. 

It was posted in one of the preceeding sections that emotional awareness can reduce symptoms. In the long run, trying to reject the existence of disturbing thoughts and feelings toward children might result in having less control of behavior. Probably the worst reaction is to judge our feelings or behavior (leading to shame) rather than understand our feelings.

Some steps to take:
1) Instead of reacting to your child, take a deep breath.
2) Live with the feelings - think about them. Become an investigator! Why am I feeling this way? What is it about this situation that is making me so angry, hurt, depressed? How is this affecting my child and myself? Empathy for yourself and your child has the potential for reducing self-judgement; for replacing destructive action with thinking; and for healing feelings of shame. Empathy will also reduce the possibility of shame being passed to your child. If you are unable to tolerate living with your feelings (many people can't); find it too difficult to change your behavior; or find your behavior is abusive, it is important to have a consultation with a professional. 

DEPRESSED PARENTS AND DEPRESSED CHILDREN
First of all everyone gets depressed. It is important toknow that there is a connection that has been established between parents who are depresssed (who experience more than temprary lapses into depression) and their children. Children of depressed parents have a higher risk of manifesting phobias, depression, panic disorders, and drug abuse or alcohol. If a parent can have a consultation to see how depression may affect their children it is good preventative mental health. See the September '98 section for related research.

Dr. Sehl would be interested in hearing about therapists' and patients' experience around these issues. Contact him today!